One Life to Love - Choosing to Begin Again

When I joined the Be the Match Registry almost four years ago, I never dreamed of the journey God would allow me to walk.  It has been nothing short of a miracle in my eyes and I'm thankful to God for providing me with it, to my family and friends, and to you for walking alongside of me.  You have laughed, cried, prayed, and encouraged me through my journey as a bone marrow donor.  When I donated stem cells on October 9, 2012, so many of you were on your knees praying for the recipient, her family, the doctors and nurses working with her, and you also prayed for me.  Since that day, so many of you have eagerly anticipated updates on my recipient's condition.  So have I.

Earlier this week I received news that I now want to share with you.  With a heavy, but peace-filled, heart I share that my recipient has died.  Of course I'm devastated to hear this news, but I choose to focus on the positive and the blessings in the midst.  I was told that due to the type of leukemia that my patient had, a bone marrow transplant was her only hope at survival.  Without the transplant she would surely die, but with it she may only live an additional three months.  Apparently my "sister" was a determined fighter, because she lived for a year post-transplant.  While I still do not know who she is, where she lived, what she did, etc., I do know that she lived for exactly as long as God intended her to live.  I may never know who she is or more about her story on this side of Heaven, and that is okay.

I would be lying if I told you I was "fine" with all of this.  I have had many spurts of sadness but also many spurts of sheer grace at the same time.  I shared with a friend that I felt as if I was walking through the death of a close family member or friend, and that a piece of me had died when I heard the news.  I shared that I didn't understand why I felt this way, because it wasn't like I knew this girl or anyone in her family.  I found comfort in my friend's words - "You had a connection with her that no one else did."  Words I believe God wanted me to hear at that exact time.

I am still amazed that I was able to donate stem cells and to be a part of the National Bone Marrow Donor Program's outreach.  I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support and hearing how many of you have joined the registry, asked for more information, or even shared a similar and much needed desire of donating blood.  Each of you have the potential to save lives and I will be honored to see where your unique journeys lead as well.

Flipping through the pages of the scrapbook that I made regarding my donation process, I've been filled with happiness and tears.  My desire from day one (April 25, 2012 - the day I appeared as a possible marrow match) was that the Lord would use me to change somebody else's destiny.  To be a part of somebody else's story.  Rereading my journal entries, I realize just how many lessons I have learned over the past couple of years.  I'll share a few of them with you.  They are a work in progress in my life.

1. God blesses us with life, every single day; I should not and cannot take it for granted.
2. I've learned to have strength in the face of adversity.
3. I've learned that sometimes the things that you can't change, end up changing you.
4. I've learned the importance of doing something for someone else, even if they have no means of repaying you for what you've done.
5. I've learned that my faith is bigger than any fear I have or will ever have in my life.

This has been a meaningful opportunity to say the least.  I had always envisioned getting to meet my recipient and her family and developing a friendship in the middle of this disease.  But life isn't always how we planned is it?  I am amazed at God's presence in my life throughout the past two years.  The people that have come into my life, those that have left this earth for a permanent home in Heaven, the joys, the struggles, the memories, and a chance at love, have all taught me that God has always had my best interest in mind.  He has your best interest in mind, too.  We don't always know how the future will work out, but we know who holds that future and that gives me such peace.  I hope you feel that peace too.

So friends, this particular journey has come to an end.  I may never know why, or how, or when, but maybe I'll be a match to someone else someday.  Maybe you will match a patient.  That's what is exciting about this life.  I am excited to see what is to come.  Sure, this is a tough pill to swallow but that doesn't mean my life will end here.  We only get one life to live, one life to love, one life to choose to see the "good" in every day.  What will you do with today?

Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and unending love throughout this process.  I do not regret any part of this journey and I am honored that God would allow me to be used in this way.  May we all embrace every moment of every day and live each and every moment to the fullest.  May we remember we only get one live to love.

"However I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace."

Acts 20:24 NIV

I choose to rest in God's arms and trust this is part of His plan for my life.  I don't understand all the pieces but I don't have to put the puzzle together.  Thankful for a faithful God even in the hardest times.

"In You I rest, in You I found my hope.

In You I trust, You never let me go.

I place my life within Your Hands alone.

Be still my soul."

"Evil did not win."

Evil: A small, four-letter word that encompasses so much.  The dictionary defines "evil" as sin, corruption, and wickedness.  Pretty powerful words, I think.  Does evil win in our world today?  What about in our lives, as Christians?

I am in complete awe over a four-minute testimony I came across the other day.  In two days - December 14, our country will remember the tragic shooting that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, one year ago.  Twenty precious children lost their lives that day, as many of us sat in complete disbelief at the events unfolding before us on our TV's and radio.  Probably like most of us felt while watching and hearing the events of September 11, 2001 - stunned, shocked, scared.  These are days that go down in history.  And remind us, as Christians, that the world we live in is fallen, with evil surrounding us daily. 

I invite you to watch this video - double click the title & it should play.  It's short, but the message is powerful.  The clip is made by Emilee Parker's family.  Emilee was one of the twenty children killed at Sandy Hook.  I think you'll be touched by their words.

Emilee Parker: Evil did not win.

Since I first saw this video, I have watched it multiple times.  I am absolutely astounded at their faith, determination, and hope to continue living and making a difference in their community and world.  Emilee's mom shares in the video how people questioned "Where was your God when this happened, and why didn't He stop it?"  Her answer is incredible.  In summary, she states that we all make our own choices: good and bad, but to truly have goodness in us, we must freely choose it ourselves.  She speaks of God's strength and goodness, even in the midst of their tragedy.

I have been challenged watching this video.  I am a firm believer God brings not only people, but circumstances, songs, a random act of kindness, or even something seemingly as simple as the above video clip to remind us of God's presence in our lives.  We all go through difficult times.  It may seem like others have an easier journey than you do, but that doesn't mean God isn't there.  I believe God laughs with us just like He cries with us.  It's hard to feel His presence when you are walking a difficult journey, but don't lose hope.  The Parker family has found a new sense of "normal." I'm sure that they miss their precious child everyday but they have chosen to believe in the goodness and greatness of God to get them through.  What a testimony for those around us.  I don't know the Parker family, but I believe it has most definitely taken time to reach such a point in their new life without Emilee.  Difficult circumstances normally don't resolve themselves overnight and a lot of times we find ourselves "stuck" in a rut, unsure how to get out.  I think that just may be where the journey of life gets exciting...  

What about you?  What do friends, family, and strangers think about your life?  How do you handle awesome moments...and not-so-awesome moments?  Does evil win in your life?  I pray it doesn't.  I pray that you find hope in the journey and you reach out to those around you.  We all make our own choices each and everyday - good and bad.  Are you freely choosing "good"?  Just like Emilee's family has chosen to continue living, it's time for us to do things that need to be done as well.  Our world is in need of God's love.  Let God's love overpower you today - even if you're having a really great day.  It's time to finish what needs to be done.  May we all find come to find just "how strong and how big God's love really is."  

Christmas Wishes

I came across a song recently, one I used to listen to for hours when I was younger.  You're probably already thinking "oh me, another one of her songs," but hang with me!  Grown Up Christmas List is the name and my particular version was by Amy Grant.  After hearing it again this morning, I started to think, primarily about Christmas, the season, this time of year, but also about life in general.  Christmas is a season of hope, peace, joy, and love.  A season of "togetherness."  A season of rejuvenation.  But the reality is that while Christmas is a sense of all things "ideal," life is not always rolled out on a seeming red carpet, is it?  

I'm being challenged in my life right now, in more ways than one.  But I am convinced that no matter how crazy or chaotic or overwhelming life may get at times, that my God is greater.  When I'm weak, He is strong, and when I have no idea what tomorrow may bring, He holds it and I don't even have to worry.  It's comforting.  Doesn't erase any hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, or worry but it calms my fears and gives me peace.

Do you have peace this Christmas season?  I pray you do.  I pray that you can find a few moments in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the season to rest in God's peace.  Look at those around you.  I am often amazed at just how one smile, one random act of kindness, or simply just being with somebody can change their day.  You can be somebody's angel this Christmas season.  Don't run too much that you miss opportunities God has placed before you to change someone's life.  Take some time today to give a little joy and hope away.  I believe that is how God helps us through our own difficult times.  I pray I can follow through myself, and that I don't miss those special moments when God has placed them in front of me.

I am still anxiously awaiting the news that after one year (and counting...) that I can meet my bone marrow recipient.  Trust me, it's not easy being patient!  I know so many of you have asked about her and if I've heard from her, and my answer is not a "no" but a "not yet."  I know in my heart, that when the time is right, I will get to meet her and her family.  I still pray everyday for her and pray for our meeting one day.  I can't help but saying I wish I could meet her this Christmas!  Hey, who knows what great things God has in store?!

I pray that you have wishes this Christmas.  Not for big, extravagant gifts, but for time - precious time with friends and family.  For that sense of hope, peace, joy, and love that a little baby brought us years and years ago.  He came for you and he came for me.  To remind us that we are not alone, no matter what the days may bring.  May you wish to touch the lives of those around you.  Share your peace with them.  Our lives are a journey.  Each one of us have different ones.  It's funny how our Christmas wishes change as we get older, isn't it?  May you embrace your path for what it's worth and not look back.  God has great and mighty things in store for you!

"Well, I'm all grown up now and still need help somehow.

I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream.

So here's my lifelong wish, my grown-up Christmas list.

Not for myself, but for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart,

That wars would never start,

And time would heal all hearts.

That everyone would have a friend,

And right would always win, 

And love would never end.

This is my grown-up Christmas list."

Beginning Again

Life can be pretty crazy, can't it?!  One day things roll along smoothly and another it seems like everything that could go wrong, is going wrong.  Right now I feel very humbled.  I am blessed to have this life I am living.  It's not perfect and I have my share of ups and downs, but I can't imagine living a different one.  I just began nursing school a few weeks ago.  I already feel like I'm beginning to lose my mind, but I am so grateful for the opportunity.  I am surrounded by some wonderful people and the encouragement I have received has been amazing.  One small step closer to fulfilling my dreams.  Just taking a scenic route instead of the normal route!  :)

As the calendar now rolls through September, I am officially less than ONE MONTH away from my one year anniversary of donating bone marrow.  That means that I am closer than ever to getting the chance to meet my recipient!  I am beyond excited and praying everyday for the chance to meet someone who I'm referring to as my "sister."  I have a million questions and wonder what her life has been like the past year.  I feel like mine has had it's ups and downs, but she has been fighting for her life.  I pray she is doing great and getting a chance to enjoy things she once did before she became sick.

I made a scrapbook after donation last year.  I included pictures, journal entries, thoughts, and prayers.  I included a lot of encouragement that I received from many of you.  The words and prayers meant so much, I wanted to have something to look back on and remember.  I left the last page blank.  It's entitled "Let's Begin, Again."  It's blank because that's where the new chapter will start, once I meet this "sister" of mine who has my blood cells running around in her body!  I hope to fill the page with new memories and a new friendship that will grow out of what could have been viewed negative.  I mean, we don't normally have too many positive things to say about "cancer" do we?

Looking back through the scrapbook today, brought back a lot of memories.  It brought back smiles and also tears.  The sheer fact that I was even a donor is humbling.  I still wonder "why me?"  I mean anyone could do it, but yet for this girl I was chosen.  When I got to the last page, I stopped and prayed.  I am so excited about the potential meeting of my recipient!  But looking at that title reminded me that everyday we have the opportunity to "begin again."  We are blessed beyond measure with a God that loves us no matter what.  Sure, our life may not be all rainbows and butterflies, but what is on the inside?  How we choose to respond to our day-to-day life says a lot about us.  Are we over-comers or are we run-overs?  Will we push through the tough to see the good?

I pray that you will choose to "see the good" today.  Even if it seems like the worst possible day that you could ever have.  You could have hit all green lights on the way home, it could be free tan week (if you enjoy tanning!), it could be a pet running to greet you when you walk in, a free hot dog when you go grab a quick bite for dinner, or a phone call from your best friend halfway across the country.  Whatever it is, big or small, cherish it.  Smile, take a deep breath, and choose to begin again.

Blood Blessings

What a blessing!  I received the news today that the patient, whom I donated bone marrow/stem cells for in October is doing well!  My cells have engrafted in her body and they are doing exactly what they need to be doing.  How wonderful!  I told those cells to "Go, get 'em" right before I handed over the bag...I guess they listened!

 

 

I am honored to have been a part of this journey.  It has taught me so much about my God, myself, my faith, and life in general.  It's funny how moments/circumstances/opportunities that God brings into our lives can truly change us.  How we choose to respond is up to us. 

 

I am in the process of reading a book entitled, Start Something that Matters.  The author is the creater/chief shoe giver for the fast growing brand "TOMS" that for every shoe purchased, a pair is given to a child in need.  I've taken a lot from the book, as I feel God is working in my life and really burdening my heart for children and adolescent hospice services.  Working as a Child Life Specialist I had the opportunity on more than one occasion, to learn and be with families when a child died and also when a child was given a life-altering diagnosis.  As Christians, we don't fear death because we know how awesome life is on the other side.  That doesn't mean that death is easy, because I don't think it's ever easy to go through, but it's certainly not something to fear.  I have a passion for creating children's hospice services in areas that do not have them.  So many children are given diagnoses and are dying and there are no services to aid these families in their hometown.  There are only a few organizations in Virginia, alone.  I want all families to have the choice to bring a child home if palliative care choices are made. This is all a journey though because I keep worrying...me, worrying...nooooo!  This is a journey that is just beginning.  I am working on it, giving things to God and not taking them back.  I bet God smiles at me when I keep praying and telling Him I'm sorry for taking it back or even thinking for a moment I had all the answers. 

 

This life journey, and more specifically this opportunity to donate bone marrow, has softened my heart and molded me more into the person I believe God is creating me to be.  I want to share the hope and peace that I have with others, and specifically with children and families who are facing end-of-life situations.  To have that opportunity would be a blessing.  I know the journey ahead in the next couple of years, finishing school and working and volunteering will have its challenges, but I am excited.  It's always amazing how God speaks to me through people, through music, through books, through nature, and in so many other ways.  I am so grateful to each person who has been a part of this journey with me.  You are a blessing to me from God.  The kind words, encouragement, prayers on my behalf, and tears cried with me mean more than you know.  I pray that God will bless you, just like I have been blessed.  I love each of you.

 

 

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived,

this is to have succeeded."

 

"If you organize your life around your passion, you can turn your passion into your story,

and then turn your story into something bigger-

something that matters."

 

 

I am off to the races, just like so many of you-to reach goals, to become successful.  I am so thankful for this life.  Even through the ups and downs, I am amazed at how much I am learning and just how blessed I am.  May each of us encounter more than we thought possible in this new year, 2013! 

It's All about the Blood!

Donation has completed and the cells are already with the patient, hopefully doing what they are supposed to do inside her body.  It's hard to believe that one bag of blood cells are enough to radically change someone's life.   

 

There it is, all the stem cells she will need to hopefully help her body rid off the cancer forming cells!  What took about six hours and several days worth of prep for me, will infuse in her body in a little more than just one hour.  It's simply amazing!  I think out of my 3.5 liters of blood in my body, I can surely spare just a little!

Preparation and the injections of Neupogen really did a number on my body.  We knew about the side effects but I don't think I anticipated the preparation to be exactly how it turned out.  Thankfully I was able to be at home with my family who helped me more than I could have asked for.  My precious puppy barked at anyone and everyone (even my parents who came near me).  My home health nurses were thorough and cared about how I was feeling, not just focused on giving the injection.  The doctors and my donor center representative were concerned about how I was feeling and were able to get several medications called in to counteract the nausea I was experiencing.  A lifesaver for sure!

On donation day, I got two IV's placed and I was hooked up to the apheresis machine for donation to begin taking place.  I felt tingling and cold sensations.  Those were normal side effects because the machine was literally spinning my blood at a high rate of speed, taking what they needed, and returning the remainder to me.  I received some more nausea medication and also something to relax my veins during the procedure and my mom and I started watching a movie.  One of my favorites, and I was asleep before it was halfway over!  Thankfully I was able to sleep until the procedure was just about over; most of the day.  It was hard to move with two IV's and you can't get but so comfortable in a hospital bed, so I am thankful for those that took care of me! 

We had a photo shoot before I left as I would like to put together a scrapbook of all the thoughts and occurrences during my journey to donation.  I would like to include how I was feeling and what I was thinking, but also all of the encouragement and support I have received from people just like you, who are reading this journal entry right now.  This was such an amazing journey and even though I haven't regained all my strength quite yet, I imagine it will take some time, I am blessed to have been a part.  God truly blessed me with this opportunity and He blessed me by providing encouragement and support along the way.  There were some moments throughout preparation where I got pretty sick and I wondered to myself, "Is this what a cancer patient lives like each day?"  It was quite humbling to get that feeling.  It still leaves me speechless honestly.  To get a glimpse into that lifestyle makes me amazed at all of those fighting cancer to this day.  They truly are hero's and deserve more than a pat on the back.  They are amazing. 

Even through the pain, even through the discomfort, even through the nausea, even through every single needle stick...I wouldn't change a thing.  I would do everything all over again if this girl needed it.  Get involved in the lives of those around you!  You never know how God will use you or allow you to be used for His glory.  It might not always be fun and enjoyable, but God will give you peace and strength to pull through.  Now, we just have to continue our prayers for the recovery of this young woman who was the recipient of my stem cells.  Go get 'em cells, you know what to do! 

   

Don't Let Go

Working at the YMCA has opened some new doors for me.  While totally different from my choice in career and not my top option, I embraced the opportunity to work as a lifeguard and swim instructor.  I finished my first set of swimming lessons last week.  I taught preschoolers and it was an adventure!  Some days were good and others not so much.  I learned so much though!  And definitely what not to do ever again with little ones in the water!  It's really amazing how much they accomplished in just six lessons.  I didn't think I would like teaching swimming lessons and I admit I was a little scared, but I ended up actually liking them more than lifeguarding!  It's funny how that tends to happen. 

With noodles flying everywhere, kids trying to let go of the wall, taking off their floats, and then the child who just is not interested in swimming; the kids taught me a lot those few weeks!  A preschooler's point of view is absolutely incredible.  I had one that kept saying after only five minutes in the water "I don't want to be here," another stating "My hands look like raisins I need to get out," another "I need to go to the bathroom," "I can't do that," and then "Miss Courtney, don't let go, ok?"  These four and five year olds had placed their trust in me.  And one precious girl trusted me enough to do something she was scared to do, only if I did not let go.  Still gives me chills to think about it.

As I am now getting super close to the bone marrow transplant time I am reminded even more that God never lets go.  With all the crazy changes in weather, allergies everywhere in full swing, mid-term time in graduate school, and fall colors beginning to peak through, I can see God so evident.  He has truly had His Hand on me throughout this whole process.  Like I've said before, I am nervous about donation but excited!  I am praying that God's will may be done and this girl would be able to enjoy a little more time with her family and friends. 

I will begin shots in just a few days that will begin stimulating blood cell formation in my body.  The shots have been known to have side effects but we will pray for the least if possible.  After several days of shots I will go for the donation procedure.  It is a procedure called apheresis, in which blood is drawn from one vein, separated into various areas, and the remaining blood is returned through an IV in your other arm.  I know several of you have asked about the procedure, so I've included just a short clip below to help explain way better than I could ever do!

Click here to see Donation Video

Thank you all again for the prayers and continued support you have shown to me.  I am blown away by God's goodness and how exciting all of this really is.  Please continue praying in the days to come and I'll try to update again afterwards as I am able! 

Remember wherever you are today, God doesn't let go of you.  He has brought you this far in life and He is not going to let you go now.  Keep trusting and plowing through life knowing the best is yet to come!